and Im so scared that you are just too comfortable to leave.

Sex isnt any more frequent but Im not as upset about it.

I feel like we are friends and you have sex with me because you know Ill be mad if you don’t. Last night, we had sex for a whole five minutes. I didnt orgasm but I dont care about that. Im upset, no, Im hurt? discouraged? because you layed there on your back with your hands behind your head and your eyes closed and let me kiss you and blow you until you got bored so you got ontop of me and humped me until you were about to cum, then used my mouth to finish in. No passion, no kisses, no touching, squeezing, licking, loving, biting. I was a tool you used to get you off. So as if that wasnt bad enough, the fact that you do nothing to try and turn me on and I have to use my own spit to make it seem like Im wet; after you cum, you rolled over and said goodnight. 

Now let me recap of what sex used to be. A good half hour or more of foreplay. You kissing every inch of my body, going down on me, even though you dont know how, and holding me tight, kissing me passionately, actually wanting to touch me. You looked in my eyes, you told me I was beautiful, you fingered me, you sucked on my tits, oh and did I mention that we kissed. We you used to come over and kiss me right at the door and you had my leg up, up against a wall, pushing your body into me, devouring my neck and grabbing my ass and touching me, just to go upstairs for some more. Sex, after that, last a long while because when you had to pull out so you wouldnt come, it was right back to foreplay. We didnt sit there while you tug on your balls, like we do now. After you cum, we smiled at eachother and held each other. Now you move me out of the way so you have room to roll over and sleep. I used to fake orgasms, now I fake enjoying sex. I orgasm 98% of the time but I dont enjoy it. Everything that I loved about sex is gone.

You say its because youre tired or dirty. That was never a problem before. Regardless of how tired you were. We would make out non stop. Now we hold hands….. maybe. I dont believe for one second that sex is the way it is because you are tired. Im not dumb and I know that it is because you feel no need to impress me anymore because I guess I dont impress you. Sex is a way to get off now instead of an act of making love because YOU DONT LOVE ME! At least you dont like you used to. When you love someone, you want to make it good, and you want to hold them tight and kiss them everywhere. Not you; you lay there until you are bored with my mouth. I want to be mad at you for this but I cant because you cant get mad at someone for not feeling something for you. I cant be mad that the fire you had for me is gone when Im the one who spent three years trying to put it out.

But, I do miss feeling like you couldnt live without me and that I was the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I miss the look in your eyes when you used to stare at me. I miss the passion behind your kiss and the love that you used to share. I miss feeling irresistible and I miss being the reason you smiled, everywhere you went.

Im scared everyday that you will meet someone that will make you feel like I used to.

Im saying this with no clue where to take it from here. Im not saying I want to break up, because I want to be with you more than anything. I just know that I shouldnt be if Im feeling like this. I dont feel that “in love and full of butterflies” feeling and I know you dont either. And that is so important to me. I look at you and I see the only man I ever want to be with but I cant picture my life feeling like this. Feeling like Im not good enough or that I was better at making you love me when I was 14. This isnt an attack on you because you because I know you feel it to and know exactly what Im talking about. We like the idea of each other more than we actually like each other. Tell me what we should do. I dont want to see the day you find a new girl to sweep off her feet with your real love and you dont wanna see the day that I meet someone who makes me feel like you used to. How do we get the fire back? How do we fall back in love?

My perfect arm.

The one thing left unscarred on my body, is now ruined.

I understand 
your need to switch the roles around 
and despise me, for the fact that we didn’t last 
And I will be your punching bag 
if you’ll stay in my past 
I understand 
to want to have a mature dailogue 
is to much to ask 
And I will be your one regret 
if you’ll stay in my past 

It’s time I start mentally preparing myself for the breakup.